Building a Strong and Happy Marriage

Marriage is work. Saying “I Do” does not automatically lead to “happily ever after.” That is what the fairy tales would have us believe, but reality quickly teaches the truth about marriage. So how do does one go about creating a marriage relationship that will last the trials and challenges of real life? Stay tuned…

(I’m using “Foundational Processes for an Enduring, Healthy Marriage”, by Stephen F. Duncan and Sara S McCarty Zasukha (Hawkins, pg. 27) as the main resource for this post.)

1. “Successful marriages are founded on the teachings of the lord Jesus Christ and tied to our discipleship.” (Hawkins, pg. 28) Sound familiar? Yes, discipleship was mentioned in the dating post, too.

2. “Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other…” (The Family Proclamation, ¶ 6) Loving someone is more than just a feeling it is a choice. 

3. Positive Interaction!

“I have witnessed much of the best and much of the worst in marriage…Faultfinding replaces praise. When we look for the worst in anyone, we will find it. But if we will concentrate on the best, that element will grow until it sparkles.” Gordon B. Hinckley (Hawkins, pg. 32) Enough said.

4. Accept Influence from Your Spouse. 

What does this mean? It means being willing to talk to and listen to your significant other. Truly listen to understand and hear what their thought and opinions are. It means being respectful of a different opinion and recognizing that it is as important as your own. It means that when differences arise in the relationship, as they will, there is a willingness to compromise when necessary. This has been the hardest thing for me to learn in our nearly 26 years of marriage, but I can tell you that it makes a big difference in the tone of the relationship. Do I want to be happy, or do I always want to be right? I'll take happy!

5. Respectfully Handle Differences and Solve Problems

In my opinion, this is a skill that the majority of us need to learn. It doesn't come wired into us already. This section could be a post all of it's own. If I have time later, maybe I'll go over this in more detail. For now, I'm going to recommend that you get this book and read it! Click (here) for a link.

 6. Continue Courtship Through the Years.

Remember how I said marriage was work? It is, but some of the work to keep a marriage strong is simply having fun together! Dating was something that you enjoyed together that led you to marriage, right? Dating after marriage may be just the thing to keep the spark alive, and the love flourishing. The best part of it is, now you don't have to even leave home to date, if you don't want to! Date night can be whatever you want it to be, as long as it is something that you do together that strengthens your relationship. Enjoy!

If you think your marriage is starting to weaken, try these principles and see what happens. A major part of this class has been to put learning in action, and I have seen the evidence in my own marriage. These principles work.  

The Dating Game...Prelude to Marriage, or Not?

 

When you think of dating, does it have a positive image or a negative one? What do you think the purpose of dating is? In this post, I will share my answers to these questions, as well as the answers that come from leaders in the Church. For my source, I relied heavily on the article “Young Adulthood and Pathways to Eternal Marriage”, by Jason S. Carroll that is found in my textbook (Click here) for this class. 

For myself, the word “dating” brings both good and bad feelings. There are the icky, embarrassing moments from a few failed first dates, the remembered hurts brought on by rejection and break-ups when it became clear he or I was not that “perfect match”, and then there are the wonderful memories of the fun I had with my husband as we got to know each other, and decided that we wanted to spend our lives together.

Something that was pointed out very clearly in Carroll’s article is how the attitude toward dating has changed over the years. According to Carroll, dating is disappearing in our modern-day culture. The change in attitude toward marriage, especially marrying early, and society’s lax attitude toward pre-marital sex, “hanging out and hooking up” is the new norm. Young adults are more likely to simply hang out in groups for fun, and then pair off simply for sex. No commitments, no strings, just sex. (Hawkins, pg. 5)

Another major attitude change that has come about in our society has to do with how people decide whether or not they are compatible before marriage. Dating used to be the process for figuring this out. Now, cohabitation is seen as more acceptable test for marriage compatibility. Unfortunately, this has proven to be untrue. Studies has shown that cohabitation before marriage actually leads to a greater chance that the potential marriage will end in divorce, if living together happens to lead to marriage. (Hawkins, pg. 6)

According to the Proclamation, “the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.” (¶ 4) The modern world, it seems, clearly has the process backward. Perhaps we need to resurrect the proper attitude about dating and the path to marriage.

Here is a little advice from our Church leaders about approaching dating and marriage:

1. Become the right person for marriage. Rather than making a list of all the qualities you want your perfect match to have, think rather about making list of all the characteristics that will make you a more perfect choice. As Elder David A. Bednar put it, “The List is not for evaluating someone else, it is for you and what you need to become...You are not on a shopping spree looking for the greatest value with a series of characteristics. You become what you home your spouse will be and you’ll have a greater likelihood of finding that person.” (Hawkins, pg. 6)

2. Gain a sacred perspective on marriage readiness. Getting ready for marriage isn’t just about aligning ourselves with another person, it’s also about aligning ourselves with the Lord, and His will for us.

3. Faith and Discipleship have a place in dating and marriage. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland counsels, “Do you want capability, safety, and security in dating and romance, in married life and eternity? Be a true disciple of Jesus. Be a genuine, committed, word-and-deed Latter-Day Saint. Believe that your faith has everything to do with your romance, because it does. You separate dating from discipleship at your peril.” (Hawkins, pg. 7)

4. Rather than searching for that soul mate, choose an eternal companion. Carroll reminds of us something very important – “Eternal companions are different than soul mates. While soul mates are found eternal companions are chosen and made.” (Hawkins, pg. 11)

This last part, I feel is something we really need to impress on the youth. There is no such thing as the perfect match, because we are not perfect people. Only the Savior was perfect, and for the rest of us, we are working will imperfection. However, if we keep the right perspective, and follow the Lord’s pattern rather than the world’s, we have more than a fighting chance at finding that person who will stand by us for eternity.