I'm sorry. Please Forgive Me.

 

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Have you ever done something you shouldn’t have that hurt someone you loved? I know I have, more times than I care to number. On the other hand, I have also been hurt by someone I love because of something they have chosen to do. As you might have guessed, this post is all about repentance and forgiveness. The essay I am using as the source for this post is “Repentance and Forgiveness in Family Life”, by Elaine Walton and Hilary M. Hendricks. (Hawkins, et al., pp. 201-212)

In the Proclamation, we learn that “Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of…repentance, [and] forgiveness.” (¶ 7) Why is repentance and forgiveness so important to family life? As the imperfect human beings that we are, we make mistakes on a daily basis. Some, maybe a lot, of those mistakes hurt the ones we spend the most time with, our family members. As family members, we tend to know each other’s greatest weaknesses and faults, and have the ability to cause the greatest hurt to our loved ones. Without repentance and forgiveness, how would we be able to move beyond the pain of these transgressions and continue to have lasting relationships. 

Walton and Hendricks share how repentance gives the offender a new perspective on themselves and the victim of their offense through humility and empathy. Humility brings the ability “to admit their mistake and make every effort to accept the consequences and conditions desired by the offended party without blaming others or justifying their actions.” Empathy allows the offender to “know how the it feels to be the offended person.” (Hawkins, pp 203-204) Essentially, repentance helps us to change ourselves, and become more like the Savior, who emulated both humility and empathy for all mankind.

What are the steps of repentance? As we are taught through the gospel, repentance includes these five steps:

1. Recognizing and admitting the sin.

2. Feeling sorrow for the sin or having a broken heart and a contrite spirit.

3. Forsaking the sin – that means never doing it again.

4. Confessing the sin.

5. Making restitution – if possible, we do what we can to right the wrong. 

Just like repentance brings about change for the offender, forgiveness is a means of bring about change for the offended. “Genuine forgiveness is a process, not a product. It is hard work and takes time. It is a voluntary act that gives meaning to the wound and frees the injured person from the ills of bitterness and resentment.” (Hawkins, et al., p. 205)

I have always known there were steps to repentance, but something I learned as I read this essay was that there are also steps to forgiveness. As we work through these steps, we can bring about a change in ourselves that frees us to move beyond the pain. Walton and Hendrick share these steps as a process of forgiveness:

1. Recall the hurt.

2. Empathize.

3. Offer the altruistic gift of forgiveness.

4. Commit publicly to forgive.

5. Hold on to forgiveness.

Notice that empathy is a much a part of forgiving as it is repenting. Both require being about to understand how the other party feels. The suffering that Christ did in Gethsemane gave Him the ability to know just how every pain and sorrow feels. While we aren’t required to go to that extend to understand others, by gaining the degree of empathy needed for forgiveness and repentance, we are becoming more Christlike. Isn’t that what the Plan of Salvation is all about? Becoming more like our Savior and Heavenly Father so we can return to live with them and continue to progress? When we are unwilling to repent or forgive, we halt that progress, only doing ourselves harm. 

In my own experience, I know the importance of repentance and forgiveness. When I consider all the the Lord has been willing to forgive me for, how can I not be willing to extend the same gift to those who have wronged me. I have never been the victim of abuse, or any other heinous offense, but I have felt the hurt and betrayal of someone I thought loved me. That hurt was carried for a long time, but I was able to come to forgive that person. We have a stronger relationship than we ever have. I love them, just as I know they really do love me. 

I think the most significant thing I take from this essay is that we have to be able to put ourselves in someone else's shoes to truly repent and forgive. That is a hard thing to do, but it can be done through the help of the Spirit. I really like this quote from the end of the essay. I think it really sums up just how repentance and forgiveness bless individual and families:

  "Repentance and forgiveness are divine expectations that are particularly relevant to family life. The question is not if forgiveness should take place, but how?...In the end, sincere repentance and genuine forgiveness are gifts from God made possible through the Atonement of Christ. With enhanced humility and empathy, the offender can gain new perspectives - that of the victim and of Jesus Christ, who atoned for that transgression. Likewise, victims can also achieve forgiveness through sharing Heavenly Father's perspective - infinite love for all His children." (Hawkins, et al., p. 210)