Parenting – Um…Are We Doing This Right?

(Image taken from https://sayingimages.com/parenting-meme/)

As you can tell from the title, this post is all about parenting. I’m going to share the different styles of parenting that are discussed in the essay “Parenting with Love, Limits, and Latitude: Proclamation Principles and Supportive Scholarship” by Craig H. Hart, Lloyd D. Newell, and Julie H Haupt. (Hawkins, et al., pp. 103-117), and also bring in how those styles fit with the teaching from the Proclamation. I will also share my personal experiences with parenting.

I want to start off with this quote by President James E. Faust that Hart, Newell, and Haupt shared in their writing.

“Child rearing is so individualistic. Every child is different and unique. What works with one may not work with another.” (Hawkins, et al., p. 104)

Truth. Absolute truth. This is why parenting is not an easy task. Having babies is a wonderful thing. Yay! We’re having a baby! Won’t this be wonderful?! Well, yes. Until you bring that little bundle of joy home from the hospital and you realize you have complete responsibility for that tiny being who came with no instructions. There is nothing that comes with that little baby that tells you exactly what it’s needs are. How to discipline, how to guarantee successful transition from infant to child to adult. How to ensure emotional stability, correct use of agency, and good citizenship. Nope, no owner’s manual.

However, there is guidance in the form of personal revelation, the Proclamation, the counsel of Church leaders, other parent, and lot and lots of books like this one.

 

(If you are looking for a book on parenting, this is a good one. It was used as the text for a parenting class I took a couple of semesters ago. You can find it [here].

The Proclamation teaches “Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve on another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-biding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives – mothers and fathers - will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.” (¶ 6)

According to Hart, Newell and Haupt, “Righteous parenting emphasizes charity, gentleness kindness long-suffering, persuasion, and appropriate discipline in a warm and nurturing relationship (D&C 121:39-46)” (Hawkins, et al., p. 105) 

They talk about three different styles of parenting: 

Coercive/Authoritarian: This is a parenting style that is very controlling, and probably verges on abusiveness and bullying. Parents hold power over their children by “punitive or psychological controlling” means. Generally, this is a parenting style that tends to be more hostile, and forceful, and results in children who obey immediately, but not for the long term. Obedience is brought about more through fear than love and respect. (Hawkins, et al., pp. 105-106) 

Permissive: This style of parenting is characterized by overindulgence or neglect. There is very little, if any, discipline in this parenting style. Children are allowed to make decisions with little regard to consequences. (Hawkins, et al., p. 107)

Authoritative: This parenting style “provide for regulation that places fair and consistent limits on child behavior, and allows for reasonable child autonomy in decision making…In sum, authoritative parenting consists of three well-defined and researched characteristics: connection, regulation and autonomy. These characteristics might also be referred to as love, limits, and latitude.” (Hawkins, et al., p. 108)

It is the last style, authoritative, that follows the Proclamation the closest. It provides the love that creates the best environment for learning and growth, for gaining self-confidence and self-control. It also allows children to learn to use their agency in the right way. They learn that choices come with consequences. Children are allowed to make age-appropriate choices, and deal with the consequences that come with those choices, both good and bad. The authoritative approach also allows for the individuality of children, where rules can be adjusted according to the personality and needs of each child. It is not a “one size fits all” kind of parenting.

  

I really feel that if parents are relying on the Spirit and personal revelation as they seek to understand the needs of each of their children, they will generally fall into the authoritative parenting style. I don’t think that means we are going to always be perfect. Mistakes are going to be made, but probably not the kind of mistakes that have long term physical and emotional effects. My husband and I tend to mostly be authoritative in our parenting approach, but he tends towards being more permissive, while I definitely tend towards authoritarian. Hopefully, it balances out pretty well between the two of us.

I really like this last quote that Hart, Newell and Haupt share at the end of their article. It is from President Gordon B. Hinckley:

“Of all the joys of life, none other equal that of happy parenthood. Of all the responsibilities with which we struggle, none other is so serious. To rear children in an atmosphere of love, security, and faith is the most rewarding of all challenges. The good result from such efforts becomes life’s most satisfying compensation.” (Hawkins, et al., p. 115)

 

(Image taken from https://www.deseretnews.com/top/2860/22/President-Gordon-B-Hinckley-33-tips-for-Mom-and-Dad-Parenting-advice-encouragement-from-LDS.html#sUS3sUbkB5h8glLO.32)