Motherhood: My Greatest Joy...and Headache!

I'd like to introduce you to someone...

 Isn't she beautiful? Her name is Arlene, and she is my mom! She was my idol as a child. She worked hard to make our home beautiful, inside and out. She was musically talented, with a beautiful voice. She made sure all of her children were exposed to good music and made sure we all learned an instrument. She was an wonderful cook, using her skills to make sure we had plenty to eat, even when money was tight. She taught me how to sew, an activity I still love today. She was very industrious, and worked hard to keep our family going in the right direction every day. Most of all, she was a spiritual giant. When I think of my mother, I always have an image of her on her knees beside her bed in prayer. Her scriptures were always open, with a red pencil stuck inside for marking, and the sacrament hymns always brought her to tears. I know she loved the Savior.

As a child, I really wanted to be just like her. I wanted more than anything to be a mom. I couldn't think of anything better to be. Then I grew up, and became part of a world where being a mother wasn't such a commendable thing. In modern day society, it's much better to be more than "just a mom." Women should have a career, and make a mark on the world. Women should be free of the oppression and sacrifice that motherhood brings. 

You know what? I really didn't listen to the voices of the world. To this day, even with all my education and understanding of the modern woman, I feel the greatest role I will ever have is that of a mother. I can think of no better way to leave my mark on the world than to raise the children the Lord has blessed me with. 

I prefer to heed the words that come from those the Lord has chosen to speak for Him, when it comes to my attitude about motherhood. The Family Proclamation teaches us that "'Children are an heritage of the Lord'(Psalms 127:3)" and that "parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness..." (¶ 6). It also states that "Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children." (¶ 7) I think it is pretty clear that raising children and being a mother is a very important role in the eyes of the Lord.

What have the prophets, apostles and other general authorities of the Church taught about motherhood?

The following quotes come from Jenet J. Erickson's essay "Mothers as Nurturers". (Hawkins, et al., pp. 128-139)

President Spence W. Kimball states, "Mothers have a sacred role. They are partners with God, as well as with their won hsbands first in giving birth to the Lord's spirit children and then in rearing those children so they will serve the Lord and keep his commandments." (Hawkins, pg. 131)

This quote from Elder and Sister Hafen likens a mother's sacrifice to that of the Saviors. "Just as a mother's body may be permanently marked with the signs of pregnancy and childbirth, [the Savior] said, 'I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands' (1 Nephi 21:15-16). For both a mother and the Savior, those marks memorialize a wrenching sacrifice - the sacrifice of begetting life - for her, physical birth; for him, spiritual rebirth." (Hawkins, pg. 131)

I was really moved by these word. Being a mom can be a rather mundane existence at times. Diapers, dishes, dirty clothes, and sleepless nights. When I think of it in the perspective that the Hafen's have, it changes all of the mundane into a sacrifice of the greatest worth. The thought came to mind that there is another way that choosing to be a mother can be likened to the Savior. When we are willing to sacrifice our bodies so that a baby can develop inside us, we are providing the means for another spirit to receive a physical body. We are doing something for them that they cannot do for themselves, just as in performing the Atonement and overcoming physical death, the Savior did something for all of us that we cannot do for ourselves. For me, this puts mothering higher than any other role available to women.

I'm going to end this post with a link to wonderful video about mothers. I tried to embed it in the post, but it didn't work. Sorry. Anyway, click {here} to watch the video. You made need to quickly download it to your device to see it.

Children. When & How Many?

This is such a personal topic. The world today would have us think that children are expensive and really unnecessary for happiness. However, The Proclamation teaches us otherwise. Paragraph 4 states, "The first commandment that God game to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God's commandment for his children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force..."  

If we are going to fully participate in the Plan of Salvation, we will choose to have a family that includes children, if at all possible. But how many? If you would listen to the voices in the world, not many. It's no longer politically correct to have large families. That is reserved for religious types. However, there are significant consequences to societies worldwide when the number of children in a family are limited to 1 or 2. There is a great documentary that delves into this very subject that I recommend watching.

                                                     Click {here} for the link to watch.

The fact is, many nations of this world have populations in decline, and many on them have reached the point where they cannot recover enough to even maintain the current population levels. This is leading to major social and economic concerns. 

What about spiritual consequences? In their article, "Modern Fertility Patterns and God's Commandment to Multiply and Replenish the Earth", Hill, Carroll, and Fellows, quoting the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, counsel that "choosing to remain childless or unduly limit family size may reduce the potential for earthly couple to become like their heavenly parents. It is in the daily trials and sacrifices required to nurture and provide for one's offspring  that the characteristics of godliness are acquired." (Hawkins, pg. 157)


It's easy to be judgemental towards others about choices concerning when to have children and how many to have. I know I have made negative comments about others, or insensitively questioned if and when someone is going to have kids. President Gordon B. Hinckley has said, "The Lord has told us to multiply and replenish the earth that we might have joy in our posterity, and there is not greater joy than the joy that comes of happy children in good families. But he did not disignate the number, nor has the Church. That is a sacred matter left to the couple and the Lord." (Hawkins, pg. 159) 

 

(Image taken from  https://www.deseretnews.com/top/2860/22/President-Gordon-B-Hinckley-33-tips-for-Mom-and-Dad-Parenting-advice-encouragement-from-LDS.html#sUS3sUbkB5h8glLO.32)

This is a short post, but most of what I think is important to learn is taught in the documentary. I really hope you will take the time to watch it. If you are on the ropes about whether or not to have children, I would tell you to pray hard about it. My children are my greatest joy and blessing.

Building a Strong and Happy Marriage

Marriage is work. Saying “I Do” does not automatically lead to “happily ever after.” That is what the fairy tales would have us believe, but reality quickly teaches the truth about marriage. So how do does one go about creating a marriage relationship that will last the trials and challenges of real life? Stay tuned…

(I’m using “Foundational Processes for an Enduring, Healthy Marriage”, by Stephen F. Duncan and Sara S McCarty Zasukha (Hawkins, pg. 27) as the main resource for this post.)

1. “Successful marriages are founded on the teachings of the lord Jesus Christ and tied to our discipleship.” (Hawkins, pg. 28) Sound familiar? Yes, discipleship was mentioned in the dating post, too.

2. “Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other…” (The Family Proclamation, ¶ 6) Loving someone is more than just a feeling it is a choice. 

3. Positive Interaction!

“I have witnessed much of the best and much of the worst in marriage…Faultfinding replaces praise. When we look for the worst in anyone, we will find it. But if we will concentrate on the best, that element will grow until it sparkles.” Gordon B. Hinckley (Hawkins, pg. 32) Enough said.

4. Accept Influence from Your Spouse. 

What does this mean? It means being willing to talk to and listen to your significant other. Truly listen to understand and hear what their thought and opinions are. It means being respectful of a different opinion and recognizing that it is as important as your own. It means that when differences arise in the relationship, as they will, there is a willingness to compromise when necessary. This has been the hardest thing for me to learn in our nearly 26 years of marriage, but I can tell you that it makes a big difference in the tone of the relationship. Do I want to be happy, or do I always want to be right? I'll take happy!

5. Respectfully Handle Differences and Solve Problems

In my opinion, this is a skill that the majority of us need to learn. It doesn't come wired into us already. This section could be a post all of it's own. If I have time later, maybe I'll go over this in more detail. For now, I'm going to recommend that you get this book and read it! Click (here) for a link.

 6. Continue Courtship Through the Years.

Remember how I said marriage was work? It is, but some of the work to keep a marriage strong is simply having fun together! Dating was something that you enjoyed together that led you to marriage, right? Dating after marriage may be just the thing to keep the spark alive, and the love flourishing. The best part of it is, now you don't have to even leave home to date, if you don't want to! Date night can be whatever you want it to be, as long as it is something that you do together that strengthens your relationship. Enjoy!

If you think your marriage is starting to weaken, try these principles and see what happens. A major part of this class has been to put learning in action, and I have seen the evidence in my own marriage. These principles work.  

The Dating Game...Prelude to Marriage, or Not?

 

When you think of dating, does it have a positive image or a negative one? What do you think the purpose of dating is? In this post, I will share my answers to these questions, as well as the answers that come from leaders in the Church. For my source, I relied heavily on the article “Young Adulthood and Pathways to Eternal Marriage”, by Jason S. Carroll that is found in my textbook (Click here) for this class. 

For myself, the word “dating” brings both good and bad feelings. There are the icky, embarrassing moments from a few failed first dates, the remembered hurts brought on by rejection and break-ups when it became clear he or I was not that “perfect match”, and then there are the wonderful memories of the fun I had with my husband as we got to know each other, and decided that we wanted to spend our lives together.

Something that was pointed out very clearly in Carroll’s article is how the attitude toward dating has changed over the years. According to Carroll, dating is disappearing in our modern-day culture. The change in attitude toward marriage, especially marrying early, and society’s lax attitude toward pre-marital sex, “hanging out and hooking up” is the new norm. Young adults are more likely to simply hang out in groups for fun, and then pair off simply for sex. No commitments, no strings, just sex. (Hawkins, pg. 5)

Another major attitude change that has come about in our society has to do with how people decide whether or not they are compatible before marriage. Dating used to be the process for figuring this out. Now, cohabitation is seen as more acceptable test for marriage compatibility. Unfortunately, this has proven to be untrue. Studies has shown that cohabitation before marriage actually leads to a greater chance that the potential marriage will end in divorce, if living together happens to lead to marriage. (Hawkins, pg. 6)

According to the Proclamation, “the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.” (¶ 4) The modern world, it seems, clearly has the process backward. Perhaps we need to resurrect the proper attitude about dating and the path to marriage.

Here is a little advice from our Church leaders about approaching dating and marriage:

1. Become the right person for marriage. Rather than making a list of all the qualities you want your perfect match to have, think rather about making list of all the characteristics that will make you a more perfect choice. As Elder David A. Bednar put it, “The List is not for evaluating someone else, it is for you and what you need to become...You are not on a shopping spree looking for the greatest value with a series of characteristics. You become what you home your spouse will be and you’ll have a greater likelihood of finding that person.” (Hawkins, pg. 6)

2. Gain a sacred perspective on marriage readiness. Getting ready for marriage isn’t just about aligning ourselves with another person, it’s also about aligning ourselves with the Lord, and His will for us.

3. Faith and Discipleship have a place in dating and marriage. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland counsels, “Do you want capability, safety, and security in dating and romance, in married life and eternity? Be a true disciple of Jesus. Be a genuine, committed, word-and-deed Latter-Day Saint. Believe that your faith has everything to do with your romance, because it does. You separate dating from discipleship at your peril.” (Hawkins, pg. 7)

4. Rather than searching for that soul mate, choose an eternal companion. Carroll reminds of us something very important – “Eternal companions are different than soul mates. While soul mates are found eternal companions are chosen and made.” (Hawkins, pg. 11)

This last part, I feel is something we really need to impress on the youth. There is no such thing as the perfect match, because we are not perfect people. Only the Savior was perfect, and for the rest of us, we are working will imperfection. However, if we keep the right perspective, and follow the Lord’s pattern rather than the world’s, we have more than a fighting chance at finding that person who will stand by us for eternity.