I'm sorry. Please Forgive Me.

 

(Image retrieved from  https://www.lds.org/media-library/images/meme-christofferson-repentance-forgiveness-1694612?lang=eng)

Have you ever done something you shouldn’t have that hurt someone you loved? I know I have, more times than I care to number. On the other hand, I have also been hurt by someone I love because of something they have chosen to do. As you might have guessed, this post is all about repentance and forgiveness. The essay I am using as the source for this post is “Repentance and Forgiveness in Family Life”, by Elaine Walton and Hilary M. Hendricks. (Hawkins, et al., pp. 201-212)

In the Proclamation, we learn that “Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of…repentance, [and] forgiveness.” (¶ 7) Why is repentance and forgiveness so important to family life? As the imperfect human beings that we are, we make mistakes on a daily basis. Some, maybe a lot, of those mistakes hurt the ones we spend the most time with, our family members. As family members, we tend to know each other’s greatest weaknesses and faults, and have the ability to cause the greatest hurt to our loved ones. Without repentance and forgiveness, how would we be able to move beyond the pain of these transgressions and continue to have lasting relationships. 

Walton and Hendricks share how repentance gives the offender a new perspective on themselves and the victim of their offense through humility and empathy. Humility brings the ability “to admit their mistake and make every effort to accept the consequences and conditions desired by the offended party without blaming others or justifying their actions.” Empathy allows the offender to “know how the it feels to be the offended person.” (Hawkins, pp 203-204) Essentially, repentance helps us to change ourselves, and become more like the Savior, who emulated both humility and empathy for all mankind.

What are the steps of repentance? As we are taught through the gospel, repentance includes these five steps:

1. Recognizing and admitting the sin.

2. Feeling sorrow for the sin or having a broken heart and a contrite spirit.

3. Forsaking the sin – that means never doing it again.

4. Confessing the sin.

5. Making restitution – if possible, we do what we can to right the wrong. 

Just like repentance brings about change for the offender, forgiveness is a means of bring about change for the offended. “Genuine forgiveness is a process, not a product. It is hard work and takes time. It is a voluntary act that gives meaning to the wound and frees the injured person from the ills of bitterness and resentment.” (Hawkins, et al., p. 205)

I have always known there were steps to repentance, but something I learned as I read this essay was that there are also steps to forgiveness. As we work through these steps, we can bring about a change in ourselves that frees us to move beyond the pain. Walton and Hendrick share these steps as a process of forgiveness:

1. Recall the hurt.

2. Empathize.

3. Offer the altruistic gift of forgiveness.

4. Commit publicly to forgive.

5. Hold on to forgiveness.

Notice that empathy is a much a part of forgiving as it is repenting. Both require being about to understand how the other party feels. The suffering that Christ did in Gethsemane gave Him the ability to know just how every pain and sorrow feels. While we aren’t required to go to that extend to understand others, by gaining the degree of empathy needed for forgiveness and repentance, we are becoming more Christlike. Isn’t that what the Plan of Salvation is all about? Becoming more like our Savior and Heavenly Father so we can return to live with them and continue to progress? When we are unwilling to repent or forgive, we halt that progress, only doing ourselves harm. 

In my own experience, I know the importance of repentance and forgiveness. When I consider all the the Lord has been willing to forgive me for, how can I not be willing to extend the same gift to those who have wronged me. I have never been the victim of abuse, or any other heinous offense, but I have felt the hurt and betrayal of someone I thought loved me. That hurt was carried for a long time, but I was able to come to forgive that person. We have a stronger relationship than we ever have. I love them, just as I know they really do love me. 

I think the most significant thing I take from this essay is that we have to be able to put ourselves in someone else's shoes to truly repent and forgive. That is a hard thing to do, but it can be done through the help of the Spirit. I really like this quote from the end of the essay. I think it really sums up just how repentance and forgiveness bless individual and families:

  "Repentance and forgiveness are divine expectations that are particularly relevant to family life. The question is not if forgiveness should take place, but how?...In the end, sincere repentance and genuine forgiveness are gifts from God made possible through the Atonement of Christ. With enhanced humility and empathy, the offender can gain new perspectives - that of the victim and of Jesus Christ, who atoned for that transgression. Likewise, victims can also achieve forgiveness through sharing Heavenly Father's perspective - infinite love for all His children." (Hawkins, et al., p. 210)

The Family That Plays Together Stays Together

 

(Image retrieved from https://www.lds.org/media-library/images/category/family-and-family-history-picture-quotes?lang=eng)

I know, I’ve played with that saying a little to fit this post. I think it is appropriate though. Once again, I’m going to the 7^th paragraph of the Proclamation to teach another important principle about family life. “Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of … work, and wholesome recreational activities.” The last post was about the blessings of work in family life, and this one is going to focus on wholesome recreation. Fun, right? Yes, but it is more than just fun. I’m using “Wholesome Family Recreation: Building Strong Families” by Mark A. Widmer and Stacy T. Taniguchi (Hawkins, et al., pp. 225-236) as the basis for this post.

 

What do you consider wholesome family recreation? For us, it can be any number of things. We enjoy playing board games and card games together. Sometimes we have a bowling tournament on the Wii. We like to go bike riding, hiking, camping, and swimming. Now that the youngest is tall enough to get on most of the ride, we like to go to Cedar Point, or Kings Island. That usually only happens when Dad’s work has a family day at one of the amusement parks, and we can get in at a greatly reduced price, but we still love to do it.

According to Widmer and Taniguchi, “The components of wholesome recreation include opportunities to verbally communicate, develop skills, face challenges, create memories share traditions and beliefs, and spend time together in the family setting.” (Hawkins, et al., p. 233)

Why is family recreation time so important to strong families? What does doing enjoyable activities do for family relationships? A few of the areas that Widmer and Taniguchi focus on are marriage, children, and adolescents. In the marriage relationship, doing activities together “strengthen relationships by promoting interaction, communication, and cooperation.” (Hawkins, et al., p. 231) For young children, playing together with parents “helps them become more secure and independent.” (Hawkins, et al., p. 231) Playing is also “a powerful tool to facilitate parent-child connection because it allows the parents to interact on the child’s level. Young children love to play not only because it is fun, but also because it makes them feel loved.” (Hawkins, et al., p. 231)

There is so much good that comes from wholesome family recreation, but I confess that as a family we don’t put as much effort into planning or just spontaneously having fun together due to one major obstacle that we have allowed to get in the way – personal electronics. On any night, you could walk into our house and find each member of the family doing something on a personal electronic device. We might all be in the same room, but none of us is interacting with another member of the family. These statements from Widmer and Taniguchi really hit home. “We seem to be connected to the whole world electronically yet disconnected to those closest to us.” Electronics “may provide great relaxation which sometimes is needed, but are not nearly as valuable in promoting family growth and development”, and “they tend to isolate us from other family members.” (Hawkins, et al., p. 228) 

After I read this chapter for class, I made up my mind that I was going focus on getting my family to put down the devices and start doing more together as a family. The results have been promising. We have spent more time having dinner together at the table instead of in front of the TV, we’ve spent more time working together to quickly get chores done so we could play a game, and we’ve had to deal with a few more conflict that have come about due to competitiveness. That’s not a bad thing though! We are leaning how to deal with conflicts together, as well, and learning how to lose graciously. Most of all, we are creating memories and creating stronger ties between us.

What?! The Dishes? Again?

 

(Image taken from https://www.deseretnews.com/top/2860/22/President-Gordon-B-Hinckley-33-tips-for-Mom-and-Dad-Parenting-advice-encouragement-from-LDS.html#sUS3sUbkB5h8glLO.32)

Have you ever heard or said these words? I have – heard them and said them. There is many a day when I look at a sink full of dirty dishes and wish there was some magic I could do to just make them go away. Same with the laundry that never seems to be done. There are days that I just don’t want to do any of the work that comes with having a home and family. 

Work. Family work. That is what this post is going to cover. My main resource for this post is “The Meaning and Blessings of Family Work” by Kathleen Slaugh Bahr, Kristine Manwaring, Cheri Lovelace, and Erick Baily Bahr. (Hawkins, et al., pp. 213-224)

Why do we need to do work? There are two principles from the Proclamation that come to mind when it comes to work. The first is “Successful marriages and families are established and maintained of principles of … work.” (¶ 7) The other one is that parents have a duty to teach their children “to love and serve one another.” (¶ 6)

Work seems to be an important part of this mortal existence, whether we like it or not. Bahr, et al., point out that when Adam and Eve were removed from the garden, they were turned out into a cursed world that required them to work “for [their] sake.” (Genesis 3:17-19) The fall of Adam and Eve, which brought us into the mortal world, created the need for work. It is part of the Plan that will bring us back to our Father in Heaven. 

Consider some of these quotes from Bahr and her associates:

“Family work provides endless opportunities to recognize and fill other needs. It thus teaches us to love and serve on another, inviting us to be like Jesus Christ.” (Hawkins, et al., p. 213)

“When family members work together in the right spirit, a foundation of caring and commitment grows out of their shared experience. The most ordinary tasks, like fixing meals or doing laundry, hold great potential for connecting us to those we sere and with whom we serve.” (Hawkins, et al., p. 214)

What I take from this is that I am looking at the work that is required of mean in the wrong light. Yes, it is work, but more than that, it is service. Is my bad attitude towards work teaching my children to have a bad attitude toward work? Absolutely. This is one of the things I am committing to changing. If I can change my perspective from “work is bad” to “work is service towards the ones I love” then my children will learn to have a different perspective about work.

One of the reasons, as I mention earlier, that I tend to dislike the work of home and family is that is just never seems to be done. It just repeats over, and over, and over again. However, Bahr, et al., teach another very important principle. “The positive aspect of such repetition is that it facilitates learning. … Some chores may become daily rituals that teach love and forge family ties, building family identity moment by moment amidst talking, teasing, singing, and storytelling.” (Hawkins, et al., p. 215)

Again, what am I teaching my children by my own attitude toward work? If there is one chapter from this class that I feel I can really apply and work towards improvement on, it is this chapter. Generally, I just want work to go away. However, work is the most important and basic principles of mortal life. “The daily rituals of family work are the Lord’s gift and blessing to all people and cultures, providing daily opportunities for parents to teach while working alongside their children, for husbands to draw close to their wives, and for sibling to band while they work together to sere the family. … Instead of asking how to make such work go away, parents should ask how to use it to increase love and joy in their families. (Hawkins, et al., p. 223)